You see I sat there in my room staring at the black walls around
me not realizing that my room wasn’t dark, but just the darkness
Of my mind that remained from all the colours that onced shaped
Me into who I was. I felt so lonely and couldn’t sleep at night
Because everything gives me fright. The pain and the sadness
Takes control and once again I’m all alone at night.
Now my heart is weak, my emotions are on repeat, still laughter
Spills out, I’m at my peak. I live everyday, hoping this pain might
Someday end. I go to bed and pray to God, but it doesn’t work
I’m stuck again. I craved for reasons to be a winner, but the puddles
On my sheets said I was a sinner. I hid myself behind these words
Hoping no one’s smart enough to read between the lines.
All the tears bottle up inside, from all the lies the devil tempted bleed
Me dry. Just one tear shows a million emotions because it’s all mixed
with terror and commotion. You see! My thoughts were like tornadoes
Winding up my insides,making me afraid to let people in, afraid to have
Them see what I couldn’t be. It came to a point where my thoughts started
Spinning out of control like a car sliding on ice. There was a lot of things
I didn’t realized
Sometimes I wish I could peacefully fade away. No more stress! No more
Misery! No more loneliness!, but I can’t because there are so many people
Who would miss me today . I can’t look back because its my past that I
Hate but I can’t travel to the future because that would be a mistake.
That monster keeps reminding me of the old me that I hate , knowing
The more I let in, is the more they relate. Everyday I see myself talking to
The black walls wishing everyday wouldn’t be the same, wishing I’d find
The courage push that feeling away.
That’s when I turned to the bible reading scriptures day by day, asking for
Forgiveness so he could wash my sins away. I learned to accept that I was
Sinned, I was different, and I’m going to feel harsh pain someday. It isn’t easy
And you can’t say it is.